Teaching Responsibility

"The most responsible children usually come from families in which parents almost never use the word responsibility. It's a fact: Responsibility cannot be taught; it must be caught." {from Parenting with Love and Logic}

Be the example

"One of the best (and hardest) ways to engender responsible behavior is to be a good role model with your own possessions — put your car keys where they belong instead of on the dining room table, and tidy up your stack of magazines instead of leaving them all over the couch."

This is why I need to start now by forming good habits so that I can teach my children. I can be a true role model for them and not a hypocrite that merely scolds them for not doing what I do not even do...

There is so much truth to this music video. Children really do watch everything we do and want to be just like their parents. I guess that means we better be the prime example and lead out in righteousness so they will want to follow in our footsteps. Enjoy!



Make your children accountable for accomplishing tasks

Many toddlers are eager to help with chores, and while their “helping” may not always be appreciated, keeping their excitement and the habit of helping out alive, should be. Sticker charts are a great way to keep toddlers excited about helping. Their chores may have to be completed with you helping every step of the way, but you are laying the groundwork for children that find chores and helping a way of life.

Grade-schoolers are quite competent at handling various responsibilities, and they're developing a sense of how some chores, like picking up litter in the park, can benefit an entire community. Most kids don't have much internal motivation to be responsible, so they may still need occasional reminders. At this stage, it's best not to overload your youngster with lots of tasks. Instead, ask him to perform fewer chores — but then make sure he follows through and does them.

Preschoolers still find helping to be an exciting venture and usually are thrilled when time is taken to teach them new chores. They are ready to do some chores without constant supervision. Rewards at this age are very motivating. A sticker chart that allows you to build up to bigger rewards can be appropriate. For some preschoolers, tying chores to an allowance is a great option and fosters independence in choosing a reward.

Children in the preteen age are capable of increasing responsibility where chores are concerned. Keep in mind that many children this age rely on continuity. Find a system that works for your family and do not change it without the input and support of the people it directly affects. Make sure that you factor in rewards and consequences and address those issues with your children. Let them know the consequences of not completing chores, as well as the rewards for fulfilling their responsibilities.

Teenagers are developmentally ready to handle almost any chore in the home. At the same time a teenager’s schedule can sometimes become quite hectic, leaving little time for chores. Make sure that the workload of your teenagers is manageable.


Word things in a positive way

Jerry Wyckoff, a family psychologist and the coauthor of Twenty Teachable Virtues, suggests using what he calls "Grandma's rule" to encourage responsible behavior. Instead of issuing an ultimatum ("If you don't, then you won't"), Grandma's rule says, "When you've done what you have to do, then you get to do what you want to do." "Grandma's rule makes it clear that your household has rules that everyone follows," says Wyckoff. If your child says, "John asked me to come over to his house today. I want to go," respond with, "When you've finished your homework, then you can go play." Saying, "If you finish your homework, I'll take you to a movie," on the other hand, really just bribes your grade-schooler for what should be ordinary behavior — and it raises the possibility that he'll decide he can live without the treat and thus pass on finishing his homework. I found this interesting but it is a lot of how you word things that gets the right message across that you are trying to convey and helps them to keep a positive outlook and learn the things they way they most need to.


Let your children feel the consequences

As long as the outcome isn't harsh or dangerous, let your child live with the results of the choices he makes while the price tags are still low. If he's responsible for packing his homework into his backpack each morning and he doesn't do it, don't hand-deliver it to his classroom later. He may regret having forgotten his homework, but you can bet he'll remember it tomorrow. You can nudge him along by asking him how he can remember next time.


Praise and encourage

Pour on the praise. Positive reinforcement will teach your child that his efforts are important and appreciated. When appropriate, point out exactly how he's helped everyone else: "Great! Now that you've mowed the lawn, we can all have a volleyball game this afternoon." Praise is an expression of worth, approval, or admiration. It is usually given to a child when a task or deed is well done or when a task is completed. Children need feedback on the work they do. An alternative to praise is encouragement. It refers to a positive acknowledgment response that focuses on student efforts or specific attributes of work completed. Unlike praise, encouragement does not place judgment on student work or give information regarding its value.

Teaching Children About Sexuality

Gone are the days when parents can talk superficially about "the birds and bees" and expect their children to turn out okay. Our hyper-sexualized culture now reaches into more than 60 percent of American homes via the Internet and two-thirds of homes through cable TV. The Lord has given the responsibility for the teaching of children to parents, and this is one area where children need accurate and morally correct information.

The subject of sexuality is discussed so openly in today’s world that your children cannot avoid hearing about it. But most of what they hear will teach them the world’s abuse of the power of procreation. The home must be the place where they can learn the Lord’s plan for the use of this power and gain the strength to withstand the falsehoods taught by the world.

Only occasionally will a child see on television healthy male-to-male or female-to-female affection. Frequently the language, voice tones, and body mannerisms shown by televised entertainment do not portray the gentle affection for which the Savior’s followers ought to strive!

President David O. McKay said,

“The home is the best place in the world to teach the child self-restraint, to give him happiness in self-control, and respect for the rights of others.

“I feel that the first contribution of the home to the happiness of the child is to impress him with the fact that there are bounds beyond which he cannot go with safety; second, to teach him to be considerate of the rights of others; third, to have him feel that home is a place where confidences and consolations are exchanged; and fourth, to have him cherish the thought that home is a haven of seclusion and rest from the worries and perplexities of life” (“Home … and the Strength of Youth,” Improvement Era, Aug. 1959, p. 583).

We must teach our children respect for themselves and others. To take care of their bodies and to know the importance of intimancy in a marriage, that it is needed and desireable and should be saved for that time. This should be taught their whole lives in little ways that helps to form a respect and opinion on the subject before anything contrary to YOUR beliefs comes up...that way they will have a measuring stick to measure the correct beliefs up against what they hear from the world.

To answer questions accurately, we must know the names of body parts and at least basic facts about body functions. Slang terms are not in keeping with the divine origin of our bodies. We are forbidden to refer to Deity with disrespect. Would it be pleasing to the Lord to refer to our bodies made in his image with disrespect? Neither should we be silly and use ridiculous words or terms. Teach sexuality by using correct, respectful language, information, and example. We must be straightforward and open, clear and consise.

Children must learn the differences between relationship categories and what is proper within each. Interpersonal relationships may be divided into three basic categories: courteous, affectionate, and intimate.

We must be examples of showing proper and natural affection to our children. In the absence of natural affection at home, the child may imitate the false affections he sees displayed by schoolmates or television actors. Often television and movies show people being aggressive, rather than kindly and affectionate, with each other.

These are just some principles and a few points that I have thought of. I know that the church has many more good resources online as well as in books that can further help teach your children about sexuality. We can not afford to leave this teaching to the schools or even the world...it is our responsibility to protect our children and also to give then a correct view of sexuality.

Laying The Foundation

The Arbinger Institute's Parenting Pyramid Explains the foundations of parenting and how they build on each other, consisting of 1. way of being, 2. relationship with spouse, 3.relationship with child, 4. teaching, and 5. correction.

The more effective parents are at building up their relationships with their spouse, between their children and encouraging appropriate behavior all along, the less time and effort adults will spend correcting a child's behavior. Parents weren't meant to spend most of their time correcting their children. We must focus on how to help things go right, instead of just reacting when things go wrong.

Many times we create the very problems we think we are trying to solve and the surprising way to establish lasting solutions and deep peace in all of our relationships has to do with setting a foundation with strong relationships and teaching so that we will have to do very little correcting.

If you are struggling with correcting your children’s behavior, this pyramid should help you gage how consistent you have been in teaching them. If they are not open to your teaching, check out the quality of your overall relationship with them. If you are struggling to connect to your kids, you might want to invest in reinvigorating your marriage. And if you are struggling in your marriage, you might want to do some introspection into who you are being right now.

I love these ideas because it helps put things into perspective and gives priority to family relationships. It has a lot to to with preventative parenting. If we set a secure foundation from the very beginning and strive to love and teach our children in little ways they will progress and grow in the way of truth and righteousness and be able to advance in success ways throughout their life.

The quality of a marriage relationship is a huge essential part of parenting and such an important influence on your children's view of how to treat others and how to form meaningful relationships. Marriage along with parenting is a process but also there are important habits to sustain and hold to. I want to strive to be the kind of wife and parent that takes inventory regularly of how I match up to this pyramid and not become complacent to old or familiar ways that are no longer effective.

Natural & Logical Consequences

Natural consequences occur naturally, hence the name. They are not controlled or manipulated by anyone. When you plant a flower in your garden and take care of it, it grows. That is a positive example of natural consequences. When you put your finger in an electric socket, you get a shock. That is an example of negative natural consequences.

Logical consequences are situations engineered by the person in authority and they are logically connected to the wrong. It is logical because it "fits" the offense. For example, if your teen breaks curfew, he/she isn’t allowed out the next night. If he/she doesn’t eat dinner, he/she doesn’t get dessert. These are examples of negative logical consequences. Setting up a reward system for good grades and giving the reward when the grade is obtained is an example of a positive logical consequence.

When parents want their children to learn from their mistakes, they have the choice of allowing the child to deal with the natural consequences or set up logical consequences. But how do you choose between the two types of consequences? When is one more effective than the other?

Discipline choices are never easy. When natural consequences are immediate they are very effective. Logical consequences are most effective when they are creative and create a burden for the child so that there is discipline and learning involved.

Hopefully knowing the difference between natural and logical consequences will help. Whether using a natural or logical consequence, it is also helpful for parents to simply and briefly explain the consequence to their kids and not allow themselves to get drawn into an argument or debate. Should children not respond to the parents' communication of consequences and mend their ways, parents must follow through and deliver the consequences all of the time. If parents forget, back down, or don't follow through with the consequence as promised even just a few times, children will learn that consequences aren't real (or at least, can be manipulated) and this knowledge will double their efforts to misbehave again in the future (because they will think they can get away with it).

Reflections on Routines

Morning Routines:

I have noticed that the entire house runs a lot smoother when parents sets the stage, the tone and the expectations of how mornings should be run. Also, when everyone is working together and doing what is expected of them, everyone is happy. Children need to be dressed and washed, with teeth brushed, chores will need to be done, breakfast needs to be prepared and eaten, scripture reading and prayer… there are so many things that seem so important in the morning! I want to approach mornings and the work they take with joy because we are doing it together as a family and because the way that mornings start set the stage for the rest of the day.

Mealtime Routines:
Children helping with the preparation of dinner, setting the table and clearing the table are where they can learn important lessons of small acts service and good manners. It also helps share the work load when children are clearing their own plates and helping mom with the dishes. Gentle encouragement is important in this area, for example when a younger child hears you thanking an older child for helping to care for our things so carefully and making the house a lovely place, they want to do it too.

Bed Time/Evening Routines:
I think the key to successful night time routines is simplicity and consistency. for example; bath, books, prayer, bed could be a simple start. Keeping it simple also provides some familiarity when traveling or are away from home. Also, I think it is important to prepare for the new day by setting out the things you need in advance like clothes, school lunch, filled water bottles, etc. Getting ready the night before is not always easy. Even now, I don’t really feel like spending extra time on things that don’t seem to matter at that moment, but when I skip this routine, I always end up regretting it in the morning.

Fostering Internal Motivation

How can we motivate children to work harder in school, in a sport or in practicing an instrument? Will the promise of a reward for practicing the piano help our child practice more? Or will the threat of punishment be more effective? When we try to motivate our children to work harder, we can often end up feeling frustrated by the results.

Many parents use "behavior modification" programs, such as rewards, sticker charts or token systems to teach children skills, get children to take on responsibilities, or curb an unwanted behavior.

Unfortunately, over 30 years of long-term studies with adults and children by distinguished researchers conclusively show that these programs may appear to have positive short-term results but are consistently ineffective and often counter-productive long-term.

Intrinsic motivation occurs when the learning activity and the learning environment elicit natural motivation. We can not motivate our children but rather create, through our teaching, opportunities that can evoke self-governing principles.

The following elements help to create internal motivation:

• Autonomy - the need to direct our own lives
• Mastery - the desire to make progress in one's work
• Purpose - the ability to positively impact ourselves and our world

When we try to motivate our children, it sometimes backfires as they dig in their heels and refuse to buckle under the pressure. By attempting to exert control over our children's behavior, we are reducing their autonomy - one of the key elements of internal motivation.

Psychologist Robert W. Hill of Appalachian State University found that when people are trying hard because of their own desire for excellence, this effort can lead to greater satisfaction and mental health. However, if the pressure to perform is coming from others, it's likely to lead to dissatisfaction and reduced well-being.

I read an article called "The Two Faces of Perfection", in which the author says,

"Kids need to get the message, 'You need to have high standards, but you don't need to be perfect.' If you have unreachable goals and you're constantly dissatisfied with yourself, you can be miserable. Unequivocally, you don't want a parent who is constantly criticizing, so the child develops a self-scrutiny that always finds fault with their own performance."

While we all want our children to try hard and make good choices, in order to accomplish this we need to allow them to practice making those choices. Some of the choices they make will not be so good and that will give them an opportunity to learn from their mistakes.

By giving our children the chance to develop their self-motivation, we encourage them to grow and find their own internal strengths.

Divine Parenting

Our earthly parents are given stewardship over their children much as Heavenly Father is also our father and has the ultimate stewardship over us. There are so many things we can learn from the type of parent that Heavenly Father is to His children.

"In many ways earthly parents represent their Heavenly Father in the process of nurturing, loving, caring, and teaching children. Children naturally look to their parents to learn of the characteristics of their Heavenly Father." -Elder Robert D. Hales

Heavenly Father and our parents can see things in our lives better than we can. When we obey Heavenly Father and our parents, we will be happy. Heavenly Father is the greatest example of unconditional love and giving his children agency. He loved us so much that he was willing to let a 1/3 of his children choose to follow Satan's plan because for them to grow they needed to make their own choice even if the choice was a bad one. The stewardship of parenting comes with such joy yet so much responsibility.

There are also many examples in the scriptures that help us to better follow Heavenly Father's example of teaching and guiding our children.

"Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it." -Proverbs 22:6

Our Heavenly Father provides us with additional guidance as to how to discipline our children in the way that he disciplines us when we do not follow his counsel. The word of God is very clear for us as earthly parents to discipline our children. When we are disobedient will we escape the discipline of our Heavenly Father? No and I can assure you although we as earthly parents may “hit and miss” sometimes in our discipline, God NEVER does! You can be sure that every act of disobedience will be disciplined....and for parents to be effective we must be consistent, immediate, clear and yet loving and understanding in the ways that we teach and discipline our children.

Families Are Forever

All the way home from Utah, in which we spent this last weekend, I was thinking how much I love my family and the difference that they make in my life {and that one day I will have my own little family in which I will have a duty and responsibility to make a difference in their lives!} I know this is a long quote but I couldn't cut any of it out.

"When families are functioning as designed by God, the relationships found therein are the most valued of mortality. The plan of the Father is that family love and companionship will continue into the eternities. Being one in a family carries a great responsibility of caring, loving, lifting, and strengthening each member of the family so that all can righteously endure to the end in mortality and dwell together throughout eternity. It is not enough just to save ourselves. It is equally important that parents, brothers, and sisters are saved in our families. If we return home alone to our Heavenly Father, we will be asked, “Where is the rest of the family?” This is why we teach that families are forever. The eternal nature of an individual becomes the eternal nature of the family." -Elder Robert D. Hales

I love that quote & for the peace and knowledge that being an eternal family brings me. I began thinking that, to me, spending time with family is a lot like the constant crashing of waves on the seashore. The shore never tires of the ocean's waves washing up and down the seashore because the shore only gets more polished, more beautiful and more renewed each and every time.

I love my family and the motivation and renewing spirit that I come away with every time I get to see and spend time with them. I feel of their love and support and it simply washes away my troubles and gives me added meaning and strength to go about my days. I learn so much from each and everyone of them.

The actions and even the countenances of others really do make a difference in our lives. The time we have with our family is precious. Each experience with our family however significant, however small etch forever memories in our hearts. Family is so much more than a luck of the draw placement of a random group of people.

I know that each of us has come to the family we have for a reason and purpose. We each have a certain place in God's plan and mission to fulfill in touching the lives of others. Friends and neighbors come and go but family is forever. It is no coincidence that my Heavenly Father has allowed me to cross paths with such an amazing group of people.

Each and everyone of my family members is an angel to me because of their constant and everlasting encouragement and unconditional love. Family is just a little piece of heaven on earth. Eternity may be a long time but I am confident each of us is willing to walk to the end of the world and back for one another. We may not all be perfect but I wouldn't have my family any other way! Thanks fam for brightening my life and lifting me on my way....you have given me great examples to follow and carry on to my family.

Preventative Disicipline

Preventative parenting has to do with preventing misbehavior and problems before they ever happen. It is laying the foundation for effective parenting.

Successful ways to do this can be to,

-Set consistent limits and clear/high/age appropriate expectations to set a foundation to begin with....based on their specific temperament.

-Be interested in child's development & growth.

-Monitor and supervise child. Know where child is and what he or she is doing at all times.

-Correct and follow through with disciple the first time.

-Teach principles and doctrines.

-Establish clear communication and listening patterns.

-Establish and maintain routines and structure.

-Redirect misbehavior.

-Anticipate potential future problems and make needed course corrections..don't wait till it is a major problem.


A great example I thought of was teaching etiquette and dinner manners at a Family Home Evening in preventing having to nag and correct 50 billion times during dinner, making it a much more meaningful and enjoyable experience for all. This way you will have already implemented rules and set expectations of how your children should act at the dinner table. These rules then need to be consistently enforced and yet allow for flexibility. Being consistent provides structure and security.

"An important thing that you as a parent have going for you is that your children come into this world with a natural desire to please you."

This quote in its self gives me a feeling of relief in regards to preventative discipline because I know I CAN have influence on my children and if I implement rules, limits and boundaries at an early age they will want to please me and follow my example of righteous living. I do have control over how my children behave and how they are ultimately shaped into the person they will someday become. That is my responsibility as a parent and that quote gives me hope and faith that my children will listen to me and respect the things that I require of them.