Personalities

No two children are exactly alike. Each child has their own identity and personality that is unique from every other person that has ever lived. Your second child will never be a carbon copy of your first. Therefore, no child will be raised, taught and handled in the same way.

So how do you consistently parent yet allow for differences?

I know my parents were good at setting consistent standards for us but in various situations those standards could be adapted to the individual and their circumstances. For example, I was ASB president my 8th grade year of middle school when I was 13. I wasn't quite old enough to attend stake dances and so the same thing went for school dances. Well since I was president and I was in charge of decorating for dances and making posters and all that....my parents let me go to the dance. I remember that none of my friends really went and that I was only going to help run things. My mom came along and I remember what a support that was to me. My parents were not being permissive or lax in relation to the standards they had set by letting me go to this middle school dance but valued supporting and nurturing me more than anything. That was a higher priority to them than anything....and that is why I am who I am today because the example and love that they showed to me was the best thing they could give me.

Questions??

So is the youngest child always going to be raised differently than the other children?

As I was thinking today about demanding maturity and appropriate age expectations, I began to think about my own parents and the way they treat their children....and I can definitely say the youngest has been raised much differently than the first child, ME! i don't say this in a bad way because I see this in just about every family. As time goes on parents maybe have more money, time and resources to care for their younger children. Parents are older and more experienced by the time they raise their younger children. They have already raised a few children so they maybe believe what they have done in the past is sufficient and no longer feel the need to implement some of the things for their youngest that they did for their oldest. Is it that parents take their knowledge and experience from raising their previous children for granted? Do they forget their vision that they had for their first child or do they have the same one?

It also seems to me like the youngest grows up a lot faster because they associate with older siblings that have paved the way before them. The youngest might have higher expectations because of their older siblings or they could be lower. I think maybe parents become more lax because they have the older children to set examples for the younger ones...there isn't as much direct teaching but more comparison and referencing to what has worked in the past. Is this making any sense?

I am just trying to figure out why this is and also, why is it that middle children sometimes get more neglected?

I am in a group dynamics class this semester for my major and so I often think about the dynamics of a family and what it does for individual members and the effect it has on the group as a whole. Maybe it is just something you must learn from experience...like actually having a family and witnessing the variety of personalities, talents, and aptitudes that they each bring with them....but as with all things, their ARE certain patterns families and parents must follow to be able to raise a successful family.

Any thoughts?

Parental Influence

The parent-child relationship is the most important relationship the child has. I have learned that between 6 and 10 years of age, parents spend less time with their children due to the fact that the children have begun school and are quickly developing their own friends and getting involved in after-school activities. That is why the years preceding this time is so important for teaching your children good habits and simply because your presence in their life and the support parents can give is invaluable.

Although the time spent with the children is less once a child begins school studies show that the parental influence in the life of the child is still very strong. It is important to realize that because this is the developmental stage preceding adolescence, it is a time of preparation for the adolescent stage in life. So making sure a strong foundation is laid now can help ease the transition from childhood to adolescence in the coming years. Parenting is all about transitions, growing, learning and adapting.

President David O. McKay has expressed, "God has implanted deep in the souls of parents the truth that they cannot with impunity shirk the responsibility to protect childhood and youth.There seems to be a growing tendency to shift this responsibility."

The parent-child relationship is truly the most important relationship the child has and we can not shirk from this responsibility.

Faith in Christ needs to be our guiding tool in influencing our children for good. As parents, we have been promised that we can bind our children to us by exercising our faith. This applies even if they do not listen to righteous influence and go astray, our faith and support will influence them for good. We may not always be able to influence our children but as parents we do have a strong affect on the way our children carry our their lives. Plus it is a set responsibility for us to lead, guide and provide an example to our children so that they will grow up to do those things that that Lord would have them do.

Learning from Mistakes

In Elder Bednar's talk, more Diligent and Concerned at Home from this most recent conference, he gives families 3 suggestions on how we each can become more diligent and concerned in our homes.

1. Express Love and Show it
2. Bear Testimony and Live It
3. Be Consistent

In talking today in class about the fears of making mistakes as parents I was reminded of this talk and the reassuring feelings I felt as I heard it in conference a few months ago. I want to choose to focus on the last of his suggestions where Elder Bednar spoke of his family's scripture study and family home evening time.

He said, "Now, I am sure what I am about to describe has never occurred in your home, but it did in ours."

"Sometimes Sister Bednar and I wondered if our efforts to do these spiritually essential things were worthwhile. Now and then verses of scripture were read amid outbursts such as “He’s touching me!” “Make him stop looking at me!” “Mom, he’s breathing my air!” Sincere prayers occasionally were interrupted with giggling and poking. And with active, rambunctious boys, family home evening lessons did not always produce high levels of edification. At times Sister Bednar and I were exasperated because the righteous habits we worked so hard to foster did not seem to yield immediately the spiritual results we wanted and expected."

"Today if you could ask our adult sons what they remember about family prayer, scripture study, and family home evening, I believe I know how they would answer. They likely would not identify a particular prayer or a specific instance of scripture study or an especially meaningful family home evening lesson as the defining moment in their spiritual development. What they would say they remember is that as a family we were consistent."

"Sister Bednar and I thought helping our sons understand the content of a particular lesson or a specific scripture was the ultimate outcome. But such a result does not occur each time we study or pray or learn together. The consistency of our intent and work was perhaps the greatest lesson—a lesson we did not fully appreciate at the time."

I loved this part of the talk because I learned that what parents do truly does matter and the fact that my family home evenings growing up entailed quite the same banter as the Bednar family was pretty hilarious.

Elder Bednar also said, "Each family prayer, each episode of family scripture study, and each family home evening is a brushstroke on the canvas of our souls. No one event may appear to be very impressive or memorable."

Though we might make some mistakes along the way, as long as we are being consistent in the ways of the Lord and ever striving to become the very best we can, our families will be preserved. Each of us will make mistakes as parents, it is pretty much inevitable. The way we choose to deal with those mistakes is what really matters. If we can learn and move on and focus on the opportunities at hand, we will be blessed.

Role of a Mother

Both within the Church and outside the Church we are troubled by seeing people of the world wanting to define the family along with motherhood in ways contrary to God’s eternal plan for the happiness of His children.

The Proclamation teaches that “mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children.” Nurturing refers to parenting behaviors such as warmth, support, bonding, attachment, recognizing each child’s unique abilities, and attending to children’s needs. Nurturing in and of itself is more important in the development of a child than is any particular method or technique of child rearing.

The virtues, abilities, and attributes upon which perfection and exaltation depend come naturally to a woman and are refined through marriage and motherhood. A mother’s nurturing love is so important. Because our sweet mothers love us, we learn, or more accurately remember, that God also loves us. This love is empowering and all encompassing and comes close to the Christlike love we each should be striving for.

There is no greater role than that of a mother. From the beginning God has made it clear that woman is very special, and he has also very clearly defined her position, her duties, and her destiny in the divine plan. She is a co-partner with God in bringing his spirit children into the world!

An important role mother's have is the influence for good they have on their children. A mother's example is so important. Mothers have far greater influence on her children than anyone else, and she must realize that every word she speaks, every act, every response, her attitude, even her appearance and manner of dress affect the lives of her children and the whole family.

The Lord has promised us great blessings if we will do our part in this divine plan. President Herbert Hoover gave this incentive, “If we could have but one generation of properly born, trained, educated and healthy children, a thousand other problems of government would vanish. We would assure ourselves of healthier minds, more vigorous bodies, to direct the energies of our nation to greater heights of achievement.”

How fortunate we are to have the Church of Jesus Christ established in these latter days, with a prophet of God upon the earth to receive divine revelation and direction! We are so blessed to have been given the wonderful plan of life and salvation.

We must prepare ourselves to assume the roles of mothers by gaining knowledge and wisdom through a good education. We must all be aware of what is going on around us and be prepared to thwart Satan in his attempts to divert us from our divine destiny. With knowledge, wisdom, determination, and the Spirit of the Lord to help us, we can succeed.

Following The Lord's Pattern

"I will give unto you a pattern in all things, that ye may not be deceived." D&C 52:14

Today in class I learned just how detailed a pattern for a shirt can be. Patterns follow shape, construction, size, detail. If patterns are not traced uniformly then every piece will be off, sizes will not match, even the pattern on the shirt its self will be off.

If we liken this to our families and marriages...The Lord has provided us a specific standard to pattern our lives after. I am so grateful for that pattern, for the guidance and light it brings into my life. I would sure dislike learning the patterns of the world on how to raise my family or conduct my marriage. Today there is even disalignment in the world in regards to how a family should be defined!

As members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints we find the pieces of the perfect pattern within the Proclamation to the Family, scriptures, a prophet, ordinances...etc. Within these, we can pattern our life in a way that will bring us the most happiness for ourselves and our families. I know the ways in which to raise a righteous and successful family and that is so conforting to me. Althought the family is under siege, we have the nessesary tools to win.

We also discussed in class how it isn't the big things distracting families. The way a family is constructing their pattern can be mere a 1/16th of an inch off, but if it is continually replicated and altered in that way, those little things can throw a whole family off track. Satan will not lead the family down all at once. The father of lies will sneak his way into families inch by inch till he has hold of one of the most important and central unit of God's plan.

We need to intentionally and very purposefully cut, sew, fold, mark, mend...so that we are striving and living up to the Lord's pattern. We may not be perfect but we can try and as long as we are following the gospel teachings and ordinances we are going to be okay.

We can make course corrections in life and there is never a time too late to change. This is can be made possible by the power of the Atonement which I am so grateful for. I am also grateful for the life of my Savior, Jesus Christ, who led and showed me the way I must live to return back with Him someday.

The Family Under Siege

There has been a war between light and darkness, between good and evil, since before the world was created. The battle still rages, and the casualties seem to be increasing. The destroyer would like to make all God’s children miserable. To destroy families is the supreme goal of Satan.

So how do we protect and preserve and strengthen our homes and families in a world pulling so hard in opposite directions? So much now is the need for us to make our homes so sweet that the world tastes bitter to our children.

We need to continually arm ourselves with the armor of God & be the daily "fasteners" of our children's armor by...

-Being consistent in holding daily family prayer and weekly family home evenings.
-Make our home a place where the Lord’s Spirit can reside.

"Organize yourselves; prepare every needful thing; and establish a house, even a house of prayer, a house of fasting, a house of faith, a house of learning, a house of glory, a house of order, a house of God."

Doctrine & Covenants 88:119

-Only allow uplifting conversation & media in your home.
-Teach & live the gospel and basic values in your home.
-Establish a love for reading the scriptures together.
-Create meaningful family bonds.

"Creating meaningful family bonds will give your children an identity stronger than what they can find with their peer group or at school or anyplace else.This can be done through family traditions for birthdays, for holidays, for dinnertime, and for Sundays. It can also be done through family policies and rules with natural and well-understood consequences. Have a simple family economy where children have specific chores or household duties and receive praise or other rewards commensurate to how well they do. Teach them the importance of avoiding debt and of earning, saving, and wisely spending money. Help them learn responsibility for their own temporal and spiritual self-reliance."

-M. Russell Ballard, “What Matters Most Is What Lasts Longest,” Liahona, Nov 2005, 41–44

The Lord's plan for Happiness and Salvation should remind us what matters most is what lasts the longest & our families are for all eternity.

Doctrines, Principles & Applications

As teachers, leaders, and parents it is vital that we nourish those we teach and lead by focusing on the fundamental doctrines, principles, and applications emphasized in the scriptures and the words of our latter-day prophets.

Elder Henry B. Eyring said, "We can teach even a child to understand the doctrine of Jesus Christ. "

It is most important for us as parents to teach our children doctrine, the why behind what is asked of them. For example, if we do not teach them why it is important that we keep the Sabbath Day holy, and we only apply the commandment by exercising it, then they might not catch the true significance.

It is more important to teach doctrine so that children can grow and learn by individually applying and practicing the underlying principles taught. This is how testimonies grow and our works become aligned with the pattern the Lord has set for His children.

Joseph Smith said, "I teach them correct principles and they govern themselves."

We must allow our children the agency to choose for themselves but at the same time we must not allow them to choose to do just anything, nor would we want to give too many rules to follow that their agency be stilfled. So there is a balance to keep....we just have to remember that there is no one formula to parenting....that is why we are taught mostly doctrine and principles so that within our individual lives and circumstances we have the agency and opportunity to carry out those doctrines and principles in a way that works best for our families.

Parenting with Purpose

At first I felt super overwhelmed with the thought of having to write an all encompassing mission statement for my future family but as I learned it should be a live document that should be change and altered with time, circumstances and needs, I began to understand why beginning one now is so important. If we are to be intentional parents we need to provide our children with a vision. I don't want good things to happen by chance, I want to make decisions on how to raise our family with a purpose in mind.

It is like the conversation Alice in Wonderland had when speaking with the Cheshire Cat.

Alice: Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?
Cheshire Cat: That depends a good deal on where you want to get to
Alice: I don't much care where.
Cheshire Cat: Then it doesn't much matter which way you go.

If you don't know where you are going or want to go then it doesn't really matter where you end up. I want to have a direct influence on who my children become and teach them the things that will prepare them for the lives that lay ahead of them because that is my God given responsibility and duty.

Now I know that I do not know everything or anything about parenting but I do know how I was raised and I see both the good and the bad, the things I want to continue and the things that I will leave out of my own parenting. That is the beauty of life, we are in control of what we want to become, the decisions we will make and the lives we will influence because of who we are. We have the potential to grow and develop, exercise our agency and learn from our mistakes.

Here's to learning more about becoming the parent I want to become.