Discipline is about Teaching

This week in class we had a guest speaker who talked to us about effective parenting. She said, "Effective parents take the time to teach and listen to their children, establish good routines, and guidelines, play with their children and speak in respectful and loving tones." Looking back I feel like this is very much the way my mother was with us kids.

With each mistake or misfortune in our lives, my mother would turn it into an opportunity to teach us. When our pet bird died we had a funeral for Nala in the backyard and talked about the plan of salvation and the resurrection. When a friend was unkind to us she taught us about the principles of forgiveness and repentance. She was always looking for opportunities to teach us. Just this week my family's cat had a litter of kittens and one passed away. My 4 year old sister Brinley was heartbroken but at the same time she was able to be uplifted and strengthened by a mother's faith and testimony that she would be able to see this kitten again.

This is the kind of parent that I want to be. One that listens with her heart and mind. It is truly not what happens but how we handle it that makes the difference in parenting. If a situation is handled in a positive way this will build up the child and teach them valuable life lessons from the very beginning of their lives. If situations are handled in negative or blaming ways then this only destroys faith and self-esteem.

In our readings Ginott teaches that children must be acknowledged and understood before their behaviors can be changed and teaching can take place. He also said, “Children are like wet cement. Whatever falls on them makes a lasting impression.” I love that quote because it teaches us to think before we speak or act and that what we say and how we say it matters to our children's emotional and social development. I have noticed that insults cut deeper and last longer when it comes from the parent and this is why as parents we must be ever aware of the messages we are sending to our children in the ways that we respond and interact with them.

Family Memories

Creating family memories helps instill in children correct principles and values. Creating these memories and fun often requires patient preparation, time, and energy but it is an investment that is worth the effort. Relationships and commitments to each other grow stronger and often valuable lessons are learned that can not be learned anywhere else.

Creating family memories and traditions has a lot to do with creating righteous traditions. The practice of these traditions is to truly keep us close to the great heritage which is ours to enjoy and should be something every family should try to keep alive. This process involves embracing all that is spiritually elevating in our family and societal traditions and discarding that which is a barrier to our eternal view and achievement. Our traditions of Sabbath day observance, family prayer, family scripture study, service and activity in the Church, as well as patterns of respect and loyalty in the home, will have a great effect on our children and on their future.

In our discussion in class today we talked about how learning to play, laugh and create this time with your family is just as important of an element in your child's development as your consistency in family prayer, scripture study and FHE, in fact it can even be a big part of the spiritual element in your home. I know that these spiritual traditions in my family helped us come together. I still have many fond memories of these time and even though they were not always the most productive in learning about the gospel we often learned how to meet the needs of our siblings or be able to give strength to each other as we lifted each other in laughter and love.

Some of the greatest supports to my family relationships growing up were the every day traditions of saying prayers together to the yearly getting together to reenact the nativity during Christmas time as well as eating a traditional crab dinner for Valentine's day and expressing our love to each other through simple Valentine's Day cards. Also, the tradition of my whole family attending whatever activity each sibling was involved in. Sometimes it was a drudgery to have to wake up at 6 in the morning on a Saturday to go to a baseball game an hour away but it created meaningful memories and times that we could just enjoy the company of each other and join in on fun conversations, games and activities. Soon enough we became more and more excited for these times and looked forward to support each other in our recitals, sports games or award ceremonies. Because it was a family event that we wanted to be involved with it made us want to be involved with each other every day and in turn our relationships are strengthened and enriched forever.

Forming Close Relationships

The parent child relationship is a very important one. First of all, they are eternal relationships that do not end after this life so it becomes necessary and important to nurture them now so that we continue in that kind of love and sociality in the next life. Second of all, these relationships set the stage for all other relationships to come. They become the base of the learning environment from which children grow and provides a security that can be found no where else. We are taught in the Doctrine and Covenants to seek dilligently to turn the hearts of the children to the fathers. If we don't our children will seek for that human bond and closeness elsewhere in unsafe relationships that may not be what we especially approve of.

Today in class we talked about the main principles associated with close parent and child relationships. The top 5 I wrote down were Trust, Respect, Understanding, Service and Love. Others were open communication, listening, time together, praise, high standards, atmosphere, forgiveness, humility, sensitivity, support...and the list goes on.

The biggest most important thing in enhancing and developing our relationships is found in loving our children. All other principles flow out of unconditional love. If we do not consistently express and show our love how will our children's hearts nurture and sustain faith in God who loves us more than we will ever know. The two greatest commandments have to do with love. Loving our Father in Heaven and loving our neighbor. Perfect love also casts out all fear. As a parent one of my main goals is to show my children the love that our Heavenly Father would have me show and in turn their faith in God will grow and be developed as I show that love and protect and watch over them like our Lord does for each of us.

A quote that I love from Elder James E. Faust says, "You must read to your children and you must hug your children and you must love your children. Let parents who have been conscientious, loving, and concerned and who have lived the principles of righteousness as best they could be comforted in knowing that they are good parents despite the actions of some of their children."

I know that I have spirit children who will be mine forever, who are waiting for their time here on this earth. There is nothing else that I will ever own, no worldly thing I will ever acquire that will be worth so much as the love of those children. I want to raise them in righteousness and express and show them my love in all that I do.

There are times when I will have to be humble and ask of their forgiveness and times when I will have to rewrite my wrongs that I have possiblily done unto them but through it all I want my children to know that I love them and that I truly care for them and respect them. I want to maintain open communication and know the things that are important to them, I want to know who they are and what they want to become. I want to spend quality time with them and help lead and guide them in all that they need me to.

I am so glad for the relationships I have with my parents and for their love and example to me of cultivating and consistently growing and developing that loving relationship with me so that I can some day be able to show that kind of love and respect to my own children.

Parenting With Heart & Real Intent

It becomes important to understand your values, motivations and beliefs so you can be an intentional, conscious parent and guide your children from the heart using your intuition.

Unlike a job, as a mother or dad you don't punch in and out, you have very few vacation days. You can't resign, and you usually don't get another assignment. So, parenting is serving. Parents in order to function under God's plan, sacrifie time, agenda, and energy with a desire to raise children who will be a blessing and useful in God's kingdom.

As parents we need to be able to "bring forth fruit with patience" and "bear fruit in every good work."

This Scripture mentioned, also talks about "admonishing" our children, and that represents a huge part of what parents are to do in regards to guiding their children. It represents things like training, instructing, teaching, reproving, and disciplining.

"We can see disciplining our children as an incredible opportunity to seep grace into their life, and pour love into their life, and to correct their thinking."

Choosing to parent intentionally is important in producing a stronger, healthier, and more resilient human being. Intentional parenting means considering every aspect of your child's development in the context of today's environment. Planning ahead and creating a realistic vision for the family of your dreams will serve as a valuable guide you can constantly refer to along the way. The ability to anticipate the challenges associated with parenting in our current culture will help you maintain a permanent advantage. The more you can anticipate, plan for, and address your future role as parent, the closer you will be to achieving your dream.

Nurturing Babies

Research has found that touch, combined with gentle massage, had a positive effect on infant weight gain and survival rates. These are interesting results considering the Attachment Theory.

In addition to this research it has been found that children who were picked up, hugged, cuddled, cradled, and petted or stroked were shown to gain weight faster and began normal developments like crawling and walking earlier. These infants also slept better and were more alert when awake due to an increase in general relaxation. Gently stroking a baby’s stomach in a clockwise direction has been found to promote healthy digestion and can help alleviate gas pains and constipation. Massage can also relieve some of baby’s colic pain and discomfort.

Touching an infant has also been shown to develop and strengthen the attachment between a parent and a baby. This attachment increases feelings of security, trust, and comfort. The child learns that his parent is there to love and protect him. He will feel safer and more relaxed, and he will learn to cry only when he has a need to be met. This feeling does not just nurture an infant, constant touch helps reinforce the parent-child relationship for years to come.

As Sister Beck has said, we need mothers that now how to comfort and nurture their babies with compassion and love. This is truly their special assignment and role under the plan of happiness. It is so interesting to me to find research that supports the importance of this divine role.

It is also important to note how nurturing is continuously important throughout a child's life. Parents can nurture their older children by being involved and interested in the child's school and other activities, aware of the child or teen's interests and friends, and willing to advocate for the child when necessary.

When parents spend time and energy discovering and paying attention to their children's needs, they are rewarded with positive, open, and trusting relationships with their children. This reminds me of how Heavenly Father's relationship is with us. He is always willing to be there for us, it is when we spend the time coming unto Him and doing His work when our relationship grows and develops. He trusts and loves us even more and since He already knows us perfectly it gives us an opportunity to come to truly know Him. Heavenly Father is truly our greatest parenting example.

Parents who develop the ability to respond sensitively to the needs of their child, no matter what age, will find parenting easier and more enjoyable.

Attachment Patterns

The behaviors that babies show when they are distressed reflect the quality of their attachments to parents. Among “typical” parents and infants, children develop expectations based on a long history of interactions with parents. One can then “see” these expectations as children behave in characteristically different fashions when they are distressed.

Through careful observation of mother-infant pairs in naturalistic settings, Mary Ainsworth noted differences in the way children moved away from their mothers to explore and then returned for reassurance and affection. Ainsworth’s research also led to the identification of three attachment styles. In general she described infants as either securely or insecurely attached. Insecure attachment can be further subdivided into either an avoidant or resistant style depending on the particular pattern of behavior displayed by the child. For each attachment pattern there is a corresponding parenting style:

Secure Attachment:

Children explore freely in the presence of their caregiver, check on him or her periodically, and restrict exploration during the caregiver’s absence. Children who are securely attached show varying levels of distress in the absence of their caregiver but respond positively to the caregiver’s return because of their faith in the parent's care. They will seek contact with their parent when distressed and will settle down once contact is made and comfort is provided.

Parents of secure children are sensitive to their child’s signals, receptive and accepting of their child’s distress, and consistent in applying this positive parenting style.

Insecure Attachment:

Avoidant-

Children seem not to care whether a parent is present or absent. In the presence of the caregiver, avoidant children will explore their environment without caring about where are what the parent is doing. Upon departure avoidant children are minimally distressed. when parents return, avoidant children do not move toward the parent or try to initiate contact. In fact, they often ignore or avoid the parent. Despite this apparent lack of concern, infants with this style show as much, if not more, physiological arousal than other infants, suggesting that they have learned to contain/accept their distress.

Parents exhibit care patterns that do not provide adequate comfort when the child is emotionally upset, ill, or hurt.

Ambivalent-

Children are characterized by exaggerated expressions of attachment needs. They are often clingy and preoccupied. In the presence of their caregiver these children are reluctant to explore their environment and preoccupied with getting the attention of their caregiver. When a parent departs, resistant children become extremely distressed. When the caregiver returns, resistant children both seek and resist contact. When they do seek contact they have difficulty settling down and do not respond well to their caregiver’s attempts at soothing.

Parents of resistant children tend to be inconsistent in response to their child’s signals of distress.

--When I read about these patterns it made me extremely sad to learn that children with insecure attachment patterns "develop the inability to form secure attachments and react in a hostile, rejecting manner with their environment" when this could all be prevented with proper care and nurturing of the child from the beginning.

Parents have a lot to do with a child's nature, personality and how they react to relationships. Even the smallest acts of kindness, protection and caring like a hug, kiss or a smile, make a big difference to children. Research shows time and again that babies who receive affection and nurturing from their parents have the best chance of developing into children, teens and adults who are happy, healthy and competent.

When I am a parent of a newborn i want to love, care for and nurture them so that they feel secure and happy. I know that this is my primary role as a mother and does not end at infancy. Children need love and support all throughout their lives.

Nature v. Nurture

The nature versus nurture debates concerns the importance of an individual's innate qualities versus personal experiences in determining or causing individual differences in physical and behavioral traits.

As we discussed in class, it is not one or the other it is a mix of both our nature, biological traits, and our nurture, or environmental influence, that make us who we are. We are each born with innate temperaments and personalities that are carried throughout life but they also change and shift because of outside influences as well as during times of development transitions.

In class we talked about the other influences that science fails to look at such as the influence of Heavenly Father, Agency, Spiritual Identity and Satan.

I gratefeul to know that I am a Child of God, that my spirit is eternal and that I have had the gifts, talents that I do now since before I was born, and that we each have the light of Christ to help us know what is right.

I know that I am blessed with a Heavenly Father who touches my life in so many ways every day. I am influenced and taught by the divine intervention that comes into my life. The Lord's hand is apparent in everything I do.

We have the ability to change who we are, our very natures through Christ because of our agency, spiritual identity and the ability to shun the adversary. We change our behavior through faith in Christ and repentance. The sanctifying influence of the Spirit of God can change our natures or our personalities so that we become “a saint through the atonement of Christ the Lord.” (Mosiah 3:19)

As ur love and understanding of these things increase, Satan's influence in the home will be diminished. Heavenly Father asks us to live close to Him and keep His commandments so we can recognize and resist Satan's influence.

Slow to Anger

It is important to remember that when we are stressed as parents we will react in the way that is most familiar to us. (It is interesting that the word familiar almost is spelled like family) This can either be a good or bad thing depending on how you react. The best way to find out what parenting style you are or how you will react is to look at your beliefs and the way you define parenting. What is your purpose and/or motivation? If you don't like the ways you are familiar with you must be that much more aware of how you will be reacting.

The scriptures tell us to be slow to anger. “He that is slow to anger is better than the mighty; and he that ruleth his spirit than he that taketh a city” (Proverbs 16:32). When we are slow to anger we are aware of how we are feeling before we say anything. My mom always told us to think before we act.

I can also think of the example from the New Testament when the scribes and Pharisees brought a woman taken in adultery, to Christ. In a mob like frenzy and trying to find some way to accuse Christ, they asked Him what should be done to her. Jesus merely stooped down, and with his finger wrote on the ground, as though he heard them not. Then the answer he gave them was something they were not expecting and one by one they left. He then showed mercy to the woman and told her to begin the process of repentance and sin no more.

I think how aware Christ is of his emotions and how much more slow to anger I need to be to live up to his example. He truly is the greatest example of being in control of his words, thoughts and actions. I think if we can respond to our children in these kinds of manners we will be that much more able to be a good influence in their lives and show our love and care for them as we answer them in soft tones and reasonable words.

Parenting Styles

There are three parenting styles that most parents fit into. The first is Authoritarian where the parents always try to be in control and exert their control on the children. These parents set strict rules to try to keep order, and they usually do this without much expression of warmth and affection. The second is Permissive where parents give up most control to their children. They do not set clear boundaries or expectations for their children's behavior and tend to accept in a warm and loving way, however the child behaves. The third and probably most effective style is Authoritative. Authoritative parents help their children learn to be responsible for themselves and to think about the consequences of their behavior. Parents do this by providing clear, reasonable expectations for their children and explanations for why they expect their children to behave in a particular manner. They are also supportive and warm in the ways they go about teaching and guiding their children.

Research on children's development shows that the most positive outcomes for children occur when parents use authoritative styles. Children with permissive parents tend to be aggressive and act out, while children with authoritarian parents tend to be compliant and submissive and have low self-esteem. No parenting style will work unless you build a loving and caring relationship with your child.

After learning about the impact of parenting styles on child development, I wondered why all parents simply don't utilize an authoritative parenting style. After all, this parenting style is the most likely to produce happy, confident and capable children.

I guess a lot of a parent's style depends on what and how they want their children to learn. It also includes culture, personality, family size, parental background, socioeconomic status, educational level and religion, & I think for the most part parents are going to be somewhere in between parenting styles since both parents came from different families in the first place!